One year from my last surgery

I still have pain with ovulation that keeps me down and out for a few days. I still have back pain that I think might be fibro but I'm not sure. I still have some pain that radiates down my legs but in a new spot. I wish that I had some hormonal support some days with some progesterone cream. I wish that I wasn't so emotional about things.

I still mourn my losses. I didn't want to lose what I had lost. I had resigned myself before my surgery with Dr. Albee that I would lose my left ovary. I went into that surgery having my period and came out without my uterus, cervix and part of my vagina to give me pain relief. While yes I do have pain relief from it, my fibro pain has increased due to my lack of quality sleep.

I'm having trouble with digesting milk products but not all of the time. My insomnia is worse now than 6 months ago...I'm up until 2 am most nights and I wasn't up this late on a regular basis even in college!!

I feel different about things. Something which I have difficulty explaining to even myself. I still feel like an "it" and not a woman. I don't feel sexy and have no drive. Sex still causes pain but not during. And I bloat up afterwards for a few days.

I don't feel "whole". Funny how having some organs make you feel like a woman. And unlike some others who have had hysts, I miss my periods. But like the other woman, I don't miss the pain that they caused.

Dreading My Annual....

I have always dreaded my annual with my obgyn...why should this year be any different. I'm already in pain due to my fibro and have some unexplained abdominal pain. I'm thankful that Jeff is going with me to my appointment tomorrow afternoon. God I hate afternoon appointments, I would much rather get it done and over with in the morning. I hate dwelling upon it and thinking about it but the afternoons are better for Jeff so I'm stuck.

I need to come up with a list of questions for my doctor. I just pray that she is receptive to listen to me, her patient. It's the one thing that I have grown to hate with doctors...why don't most of them really listen to their patients??

Hoping that I get some questions answered tomorrow.

Reconnections

I've been reconnecting with lots of things/people this year...church, friends, my feelings. I've been mad at lots of things: mad at God that I have endo and lost my uterus and more due to it, mad that I lost out on lots of things in my life, and mad that I lost friends because of the disease.

I feel horrible that I have shoved away friends...good friends that I should have been more supportive to. I have friendships that I need to mend. I know that it will take time.

I hope that you too can forgive whatever wrongs I have done to you. I am trying to be a better person, a better friend to all of you.

Insomnia part 2 or is it 3??

Last night's insomnia was bad. I think that I got 1.5 hours of sleep done all in one shot. I catnapped after that. Woke up this morning at 8 and have been forcing myself not to nap so that I can sleep tonight. We'll see how that goes.

Maybe I should relabel my blog as "Life as an insomniac"???

Insomnia

I'm still suffering from it. It isn't fun. I rarely nap in the afternoons and I'm still up to 1 am. DH stays up with me some nights. I never was like this...at least not every night.

I've got my annual with my obgyn next month. I'm afraid to discuss the insomnia with her...I was blown off a bit last time when I complained and then was told not to nap. As if not napping would cure the problem.

Why do doctors not listen to their patients when they tell them something important? Why do they brush us off like we have nothing useful to say?

Insomnia and Tears

Insomnia and tears seem to go hand in hand for me lately. I'm up to 1-1:30 am nearly every night. I have difficulty in falling asleep. I don't nap in the afternoons so I should be tired enough to sleep but I'm not. I went from not suffering from it to suffering from it.

I'm still crying at times (probably due to the lack of sleep so I'm up thinking about things). I never wanted to lose my organs...gone is my uterus, left ovary and cervix. Gone is more than half of my right ovary which tries to function but I still suffer from hot flashes every now and then. I realize that with the extent of disease that I had, there was little choice for pain relief and I needed pain relief. It's a painful reality that I live with. It's my Catch-22...rip out the organs that are so disease they aren't worth saving or keep them and pray that I wouldn't have the daily pain that I was in before my surgery. We (Jeff, Dr. Albee and myself) chose for the best possible pain relief and that meant ripping out the organs.

When I found out that I definitely had this disease in January 2000, never did I figure that it would be this bad. Never did I figure that it would be bad enough for me to rip out the very organs that I longed to keep. Never would I imagine crying over their loss. My tears aren't constant but they are there late at night when the house is quiet and I can't sleep and upon waking in the morning when I long for more sleep but can't get any.

I keep meaning to call my friends up to vent about this disease seems so selfish at the moment to me. So I wait until I'm a little less needy.

My migraines have lessened but is that due to me taking butterbur twice a day? I have no clue.

It'll be 9 months this month since my surgery. Maybe that has alot to do with things.


just maybe..........

Been up Since 4 am...

I woke up this morning in sheer pain with my tailbone area. On a scale of 1 to 10, mine was a 9. I made it to the bathroom and came back out to try to sleep. Before 6 I gave up and went downstairs to take my pain med. I didn't want to wake Jeff up to get it for me at 4 even though I could have used it. I immediately took my med after getting downstairs and slept for maybe an hour.

My pain level is down to a 4.5 but don't ask me to stand or walk around too much today. I'm resting on the couch with my heating pad, my blankets, and my pillow to sit on. The kids are sick so they are resting as well today.

I had tailbone pain before my last surgery. While this pain has diminished dramatically with the number of days, I'm still having it and it can get very bad.

Side effects to the Imitrex Nasal??

Okay I took the Imitrex the evening of Day 5 to get rid of the migraines and while they did, they also caused me to have some other problems: severe abdominal pain and headaches that wouldn't quit. I had those nasty headaches the last time I tried it (even mentioned that to my primary care doc at my last visit with her). I'm not pleased about the side effects of the Imitrex.

So you give me a drug to get rid of my migraines which causes nasty headaches that won't go away with medications and abdominal pain to boot?????

Does this sound like fun to anybody???

Migraine Day 5...Went to the Primary Care Doctor

Woke up with a low level migraine today. So I put in a call to my primary care doc and I had a 3:30 appointment. Thank goodness for my dad who is retired and can watch the kids while Jeff takes me to the appointment!!!

I requested my doc to run a hormonal panel to see where my hormone levels are at. She refused telling me that I'm either in menopause or not in menopause. I'm just trying to find out why I'm having the migraines to begin with. I'm thinking it's hormonal but how the heck am I supposed to tell without some help from her????

The next time I have a migraine I'm thinking of contacting my obgyn to see what she thinks.

Gotta go to rest my head

Migraine Day 4

I'm miserable...really miserable. I have had a migraine for the better part of 4 days now which started Friday. It's cyclical. I was hoping that it was just a fluke.

I don't know how many more days of this I can take. My migraine med works but it knocks me out so I can't take it during the day until Jeff comes home after work.

I'm trying to search for answers online but my head hurts so much that it is difficult to read the screen.

I'll be in lurk mode until this goes away...I'm hurting too much