A List of My Complaints September 2010

Okay I'm compiling a list of my complaints with having endometriosis:

(1) losing friends that you thought were your friends for life
(2) people not understanding (or their unwillingness to understand) what endometriosis does to me
(3) being able to do something one day but not the next
(4) doctors and nurses who don't listen to you
(5) doctors who are so popular that you don't get in to see them for 3 1/2 months
(5) difficulty in deciding if the pain that I'm experiencing is endo pain or something else

I'm done with my list for now...I reserve the right to add to it at any time

When you lose a loved one....

I haven't had the chance to post lately and I'm sorry for that.

Recently I lost a first cousin of mine on my mother's side. He along with 2 other older first cousins I considered to be like older brothers to me. He died so suddenly and way too young. He had a huge heart, full of smiles and laughter. While I was in high school, he graduated from college and I got to see him graduate and check out the college while I was there. I ended up not going to that college but someplace closer but was thankful to see him graduate. Later on while I was in college, my roommate at the time couldn't go to a concert with me so I asked him if he wanted to go. His response was yes and that he would pick me up and drop me back off again.

When I was little we had Christmas Day dinner at his parents' home and all of my cousins were there. It was so nice to have love and support that one needs from family members.

In honor of my cousin, Kurt. Love you and miss you always...

Back to something familiar...

Well I'm gathering my medical records again for possible surgical review. I'm not happy about this prospect...I hate bowel preps, I hate surgery, I hate feeling horrible afterwards...but I need some questions about my problems/symptoms answered.

One year from my last surgery

I still have pain with ovulation that keeps me down and out for a few days. I still have back pain that I think might be fibro but I'm not sure. I still have some pain that radiates down my legs but in a new spot. I wish that I had some hormonal support some days with some progesterone cream. I wish that I wasn't so emotional about things.

I still mourn my losses. I didn't want to lose what I had lost. I had resigned myself before my surgery with Dr. Albee that I would lose my left ovary. I went into that surgery having my period and came out without my uterus, cervix and part of my vagina to give me pain relief. While yes I do have pain relief from it, my fibro pain has increased due to my lack of quality sleep.

I'm having trouble with digesting milk products but not all of the time. My insomnia is worse now than 6 months ago...I'm up until 2 am most nights and I wasn't up this late on a regular basis even in college!!

I feel different about things. Something which I have difficulty explaining to even myself. I still feel like an "it" and not a woman. I don't feel sexy and have no drive. Sex still causes pain but not during. And I bloat up afterwards for a few days.

I don't feel "whole". Funny how having some organs make you feel like a woman. And unlike some others who have had hysts, I miss my periods. But like the other woman, I don't miss the pain that they caused.

Dreading My Annual....

I have always dreaded my annual with my obgyn...why should this year be any different. I'm already in pain due to my fibro and have some unexplained abdominal pain. I'm thankful that Jeff is going with me to my appointment tomorrow afternoon. God I hate afternoon appointments, I would much rather get it done and over with in the morning. I hate dwelling upon it and thinking about it but the afternoons are better for Jeff so I'm stuck.

I need to come up with a list of questions for my doctor. I just pray that she is receptive to listen to me, her patient. It's the one thing that I have grown to hate with doctors...why don't most of them really listen to their patients??

Hoping that I get some questions answered tomorrow.

Reconnections

I've been reconnecting with lots of things/people this year...church, friends, my feelings. I've been mad at lots of things: mad at God that I have endo and lost my uterus and more due to it, mad that I lost out on lots of things in my life, and mad that I lost friends because of the disease.

I feel horrible that I have shoved away friends...good friends that I should have been more supportive to. I have friendships that I need to mend. I know that it will take time.

I hope that you too can forgive whatever wrongs I have done to you. I am trying to be a better person, a better friend to all of you.

Insomnia part 2 or is it 3??

Last night's insomnia was bad. I think that I got 1.5 hours of sleep done all in one shot. I catnapped after that. Woke up this morning at 8 and have been forcing myself not to nap so that I can sleep tonight. We'll see how that goes.

Maybe I should relabel my blog as "Life as an insomniac"???