Emotional Wall Coming Down

I brokedown earlier on the phone with a friend of mine and cried a bit to her. She doesn’t have endo but suffered from premature ovarian failure while she was trying to conceive. She understood the hurt that I’m experiencing to an extent.

I told her that I haven't read my operative report yet. It's 9 pages long. It isn't the length of it that is overwhelming to me. It's the content of it...this is what was done to ME.

At times I have felt that I needed to remain strong...that I can not break down. Most of this comes from the fact that I was just out of surgery with post surgical pains. Some of it stems from the almost denial that I'm having...that I really didn't have a hyst.

Now I'm starting to feel the raw emotions that I kept bottled up for so long. It's starting out like a slow leaky faucet that needs to be fixed. I'm not sure when the crying will stop or if it will stop right now.

The term for what I had done I had to look up today. I had a LAVH-LSO with partial vaginectomy with right ovarian cystectomy. I lost 50% of my right ovary because of the cyst that I had. LAVH is Laparoscopically Assisted Vaginal Hysterectomy with Left Salpingo Oopherectomy (left ovary and left fallopian tube removed).

I don't know when I'm posting next right now. For my family and friends, I'm sorry if I'm crying to you over the phone. I just hope that you understand what I'm going through and can be patient with me.

Pictures from Atlanta

Hi,

I figured that since some of you asked for it, I post a few pictures that were taken in Atlanta. Sorry no sightseeing pictures!!!!





DH, myself and Dr. Albee





The 3 of us again





My surgery bear, Poohbah, who has been there with me for now all three of my surgeries. Somebody dressed him up in the surgeon's garb while I was having surgery in Atlanta.





A close up of Poohbah

Help Out a Great Endometriosis Organization...Yankee Candle Fundraiser

Hi,

The Endometriosis Research Center is doing another Yankee Candle Fundraiser Fall 2008. Please feel free to check the catalog out and order or better yet make a donation to ERC.

Don't just do it for me, do it for the 7 million girls and women in the US that have this damn f***ing disease. Do it for the 70 million worldwide who suffer the pains like I have suffered over the years.

Don't know the symptoms of endo? Make yourself aware of the Common Symptoms of Endometriosis.

Have a girlfriend, significant other, sister, mother, aunt, cousin, friend, in-law with endo? Support her and help find a cure by participating in the Yankee Candle fundraiser or donate to ERC!!! Please feel free to pass this along to everyone you know.

It's good to be home...

We made it home okay from Atlanta yesterday late afternoon. The kids were extremely happy to see us...but in particular to see me. They have been talking to me on and off all week as I could but to see and touch Mommy was something much different. My oldest daughter, Katie, ran up to me and refused to budge until she was lifted up on to the wheelchair that I was on. My son, Ryan, refused to leave my side while I was in the car until he had his hugs and even then he was worried that I was going away again. I had to reassure him that I was going home just like him. At home, I was treated to all of the cards the kids had colored for me that my parents put on the sliding glass door.

The two oldest kids are off to my brother's place for the week while my youngest, Bella, is at my parents' house for the week. My oldest "baby" is coming home today, our furry one called Maggie (who just happens to look like a shetland sheepdog to some).

My anti-anxiety med for flying worked pretty well but I couldn't take any prescription pain meds until it wore off. Last night was pretty bad with pain on my right side and again this morning. Jeff and I aren't too surprised with all of the work that was done on that side.

Break Down # 1

Earlier this evening I broke down and cried. It may seem silly to those of you without endometriosis...after all it's just organs. But for those of us with endo who have fought battles to keep our organs, the removal of them just hurts.

I have been thinking that if I had just done this or had just done that maybe I could have kept them. But maybe I would have just lost them sooner.

I know that I can rely on my family and friends to get me through. Please be patient with me if you haven't heard from me in awhile, if I need to cut phone calls to you short, or if I call you up just to cry over my losses.

I don't even want to hope yet that I won't have any more pain. I'm afraid to even hope.

I don't want to hear that it is for the best.

I don't want to hear that I will be better off without them.

I don't want to hear that endometriosis doesn't cause heartache.

I don't want to hear that since I've had my uterus and ovary removed that there is no way I could experience endo pain down the road.

I don't want to hear "Happy Hysterversary" coming from anyone's lips.

All I want is for you to be there when I need you to be, to be supportive of me and my decisions, and to understand that I may need time to myself to grieve my losses, lick my wounds, and gain my stamina to stand upright on my own two feet again.

I hope that you all will understand.

Post Operative Appointment and the Report

Jeff and I went back to CEC this morning to have the cath removed and to have a post op appointment with Dr. Sinervo. Dr. Sinervo went over the pictures with us and he asked if I had any questions/concerns. I did tell him that I had several questions. He took his time and answered each and every one of them. He checked out my incisions (which is something I haven't really done yet due to pain and Jeff's descriptions of them).

I have a 9 page operative report to read through and a huge pathology report to read through. I read through part of the operative report but couldn't finish it...I found myself getting too emotional about it. But I can tell you this...

I was diagnosis with Stage 4 endometriosis. Out of a possible 150 points, I had 109. This isn't something that you want to get a high score on. My uterus had 3 diagnoses...endometriosis, adenomyosis, and leiomyomata (fibroids). My cul-de-sac was totally obliterated. My left ovary was covered with adhesions, multiple cysts, and sites of old cysts. My right ovary had an ovarian cystectomy (removal of the ovarian cyst). There's more to the report but I haven't read it all yet.

I will say this though...after my first 2 surgeries, I was laid up for a few weeks. I needed help getting on and off the toilet. I needed help to get on and off the couch. I needed to be followed as I walked from one room into another.

Here I am 4 days post op of a major 7 hour surgery and I can walk around our hotel room, walk around the grounds of our hotel not once, not twice but three times this evening. My first line of pain defense is 3 advil (that's 600 mg folks) every 6 hours. If that doesn't work then I'm on a prescription pain med. This is so much different than after my first two surgeries. I'm happy that I researched my choices for endometriosis excision experts and so far I'm extremely happy with Dr. Albee and the rest of the crew at the CEC. They are wonderfully supportive there.

My Emotions

I have been asked how I'm doing emotionally. So here it goes...

I have to keep my emotions in major check. If I don't, I start crying, won't be able to stop, and it will hurt more. I know that once I start, I'll need lots of support and understanding and patience. I hope that you, my friends, my family, and my readers will understand.