Christmas is nearly here and I'm emotional again...

I'm trying to work on Christmas cards here...this year is just a letter with picture of the family with Santa (our annual thing to do since 2005). Christmas music is on but I'm finding things hard given the loss that I've had this year. Back in 2001 on Christmas Eve and Day, I was peak in my fertility level. 7 years later to the Holiday season 2008, I've lost my uterus and I'm mourning its loss.

I'm eternally grateful for what I have playing around me (although tripping over toys isn't fun). I never expected to be traveling to a foreign country besides Canada and adopt 3 beautiful kids. But still the hurt is there. I want to cry and mourn the loss but that will have to wait until later after my kids are tucked into their snug little beds for the night.

I read from somebody else on a message board that if you are depressed before a hyst, you will be depressed afterwards. I never wanted to give up my uterus but I felt like there was little choice given the adenomyosis. I feel pretty defeated with this disease. I don't wish these diseases on anyone.

Please if you read this and haven't read and signed the petition to Stamp Out Endometriosis yet, please do so. You know that this woman has suffered from it.

Infertility...Does One Ever Get "OVER" it??? NO!!!

Those of you who had children may not understand what I'm going through...hell some days I don't even understand what I'm going through. I tried actively for almost 18 months to get pregnant and couldn't. Jeff and I inactively tried for about 3 years and couldn't get pregnant. IVF was out due to a whole host of issues I had problems with it...cost of the procedure not covered by insurance, the God-like factor particularly of my Reproductive Endocrinologist who thinks that he is God, the factor of selectively weeding out "non viable candidates for implanting back into (my) body", and the drugs involved of doing IVF.

Events come up in a woman's life who has dealt with infertility that make them reflect on past events. The "What If" questions appear...What if I did this differently? What if I decided to do IVF? What if I decided to see the endo excision specialist sooner? What if, what if, what if...all questions that I don't have the answers to but as a woman with endo who has gone through this, all valid questions.

My reflections today are due to a dream that I had last night. I don't remember much of the dream however a woman was nearly 9 months pregnant delivering a baby and I was there to help her. Somehow I know this woman. I don't want to be there but I am there delivering a baby. I am crying in the dream...tears are rolling down my face. I don't want to be there, I want to run far away from that room but I'm stuck there helping out this woman.

I don't know what happens next since I'm awake dealing with a hot flash...life has a way of playing some cruel jokes sometimes. I have difficulty in getting back to sleep. I am awake for what seems like an eternity...what's the meaning of this dream? what purpose does it serve? Why am I having this dream now?? Is it because of the hyst?? Finally I drift back asleep while praying that I don't have the same dream, praying that I can stay asleep.

According to RESOLVE 5 million Americans suffer from infertility. I was one of them...and today I feel like one of them with the grieving that I've been doing over the loss of my uterus.

Break Down # 1

Earlier this evening I broke down and cried. It may seem silly to those of you without endometriosis...after all it's just organs. But for those of us with endo who have fought battles to keep our organs, the removal of them just hurts.

I have been thinking that if I had just done this or had just done that maybe I could have kept them. But maybe I would have just lost them sooner.

I know that I can rely on my family and friends to get me through. Please be patient with me if you haven't heard from me in awhile, if I need to cut phone calls to you short, or if I call you up just to cry over my losses.

I don't even want to hope yet that I won't have any more pain. I'm afraid to even hope.

I don't want to hear that it is for the best.

I don't want to hear that I will be better off without them.

I don't want to hear that endometriosis doesn't cause heartache.

I don't want to hear that since I've had my uterus and ovary removed that there is no way I could experience endo pain down the road.

I don't want to hear "Happy Hysterversary" coming from anyone's lips.

All I want is for you to be there when I need you to be, to be supportive of me and my decisions, and to understand that I may need time to myself to grieve my losses, lick my wounds, and gain my stamina to stand upright on my own two feet again.

I hope that you all will understand.