Christmas is Here...My Heart Isn't in It

I wish that I was better emotionally right now. Feelings of 2001 have been flooding back with intensity and I'm wishing that I could crawl into a hole until the holidays are done and over with. You see I was peak in my fertility level Christmas Eve and Christmas Day 2001 when we were trying to conceive. I hoped and prayed that I would become pregnant...I never did. I never did experience that positive pregnancy result or experienced a baby inside of me. I am grateful (searching for the right term to use here and feel like I am failing miserably) that I didn't experience a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy or a stillborn. I had several friends that experienced the first two things and I cried after getting off the phone with them after listening to them cry and me trying to remain calm and supportive long distance.

I am eternally grateful for what I do have: my loving husband who has stuck by me and has put up with my emotional rollercoaster ride back when we were trying to conceive, losing my friends, and dealing with me emotionally since my surgery, my kids who are my joy and my light, my family who helped after my surgery and watching my kids while I'm off at my various doctor's appointments, and my friends who have called and sent me emails and cards checking up on me and have listened to me cry on the phone.

This year I didn't do Christmas cards (the first ever) but did do a newsletter and sent the Christmas photo with Santa for the adults...for the kids they got their Christmas cards. I think I've sent off about 170 cards this year.

While I'm grateful that I'm alive, since so many things could have gone wrong during the surgery, and that the surgery has lessened the pain, the hysterectomy has made me feel slightly less than a woman and less than sexy. I'm grateful to Dr. Albee and Dr. Yeung for removing all of the endo that they could from my body. I'm grateful that my research led me to have surgery with the doctors at the CEC.

I hope that emotionally I start feeling better soon...that I'm back to myself again. I have my good days and I have my emotional moments. For Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I'm setting aside some me time to mourn. I need to.

For those of you reading this, please read and sign the petition to Stamp Out Endometriosis. It means the world to me right now.

Christmas is nearly here and I'm emotional again...

I'm trying to work on Christmas cards here...this year is just a letter with picture of the family with Santa (our annual thing to do since 2005). Christmas music is on but I'm finding things hard given the loss that I've had this year. Back in 2001 on Christmas Eve and Day, I was peak in my fertility level. 7 years later to the Holiday season 2008, I've lost my uterus and I'm mourning its loss.

I'm eternally grateful for what I have playing around me (although tripping over toys isn't fun). I never expected to be traveling to a foreign country besides Canada and adopt 3 beautiful kids. But still the hurt is there. I want to cry and mourn the loss but that will have to wait until later after my kids are tucked into their snug little beds for the night.

I read from somebody else on a message board that if you are depressed before a hyst, you will be depressed afterwards. I never wanted to give up my uterus but I felt like there was little choice given the adenomyosis. I feel pretty defeated with this disease. I don't wish these diseases on anyone.

Please if you read this and haven't read and signed the petition to Stamp Out Endometriosis yet, please do so. You know that this woman has suffered from it.

Infertility...Does One Ever Get "OVER" it??? NO!!!

Those of you who had children may not understand what I'm going through...hell some days I don't even understand what I'm going through. I tried actively for almost 18 months to get pregnant and couldn't. Jeff and I inactively tried for about 3 years and couldn't get pregnant. IVF was out due to a whole host of issues I had problems with it...cost of the procedure not covered by insurance, the God-like factor particularly of my Reproductive Endocrinologist who thinks that he is God, the factor of selectively weeding out "non viable candidates for implanting back into (my) body", and the drugs involved of doing IVF.

Events come up in a woman's life who has dealt with infertility that make them reflect on past events. The "What If" questions appear...What if I did this differently? What if I decided to do IVF? What if I decided to see the endo excision specialist sooner? What if, what if, what if...all questions that I don't have the answers to but as a woman with endo who has gone through this, all valid questions.

My reflections today are due to a dream that I had last night. I don't remember much of the dream however a woman was nearly 9 months pregnant delivering a baby and I was there to help her. Somehow I know this woman. I don't want to be there but I am there delivering a baby. I am crying in the dream...tears are rolling down my face. I don't want to be there, I want to run far away from that room but I'm stuck there helping out this woman.

I don't know what happens next since I'm awake dealing with a hot flash...life has a way of playing some cruel jokes sometimes. I have difficulty in getting back to sleep. I am awake for what seems like an eternity...what's the meaning of this dream? what purpose does it serve? Why am I having this dream now?? Is it because of the hyst?? Finally I drift back asleep while praying that I don't have the same dream, praying that I can stay asleep.

According to RESOLVE 5 million Americans suffer from infertility. I was one of them...and today I feel like one of them with the grieving that I've been doing over the loss of my uterus.