Been up Since 4 am...

I woke up this morning in sheer pain with my tailbone area. On a scale of 1 to 10, mine was a 9. I made it to the bathroom and came back out to try to sleep. Before 6 I gave up and went downstairs to take my pain med. I didn't want to wake Jeff up to get it for me at 4 even though I could have used it. I immediately took my med after getting downstairs and slept for maybe an hour.

My pain level is down to a 4.5 but don't ask me to stand or walk around too much today. I'm resting on the couch with my heating pad, my blankets, and my pillow to sit on. The kids are sick so they are resting as well today.

I had tailbone pain before my last surgery. While this pain has diminished dramatically with the number of days, I'm still having it and it can get very bad.

Side effects to the Imitrex Nasal??

Okay I took the Imitrex the evening of Day 5 to get rid of the migraines and while they did, they also caused me to have some other problems: severe abdominal pain and headaches that wouldn't quit. I had those nasty headaches the last time I tried it (even mentioned that to my primary care doc at my last visit with her). I'm not pleased about the side effects of the Imitrex.

So you give me a drug to get rid of my migraines which causes nasty headaches that won't go away with medications and abdominal pain to boot?????

Does this sound like fun to anybody???

Migraine Day 5...Went to the Primary Care Doctor

Woke up with a low level migraine today. So I put in a call to my primary care doc and I had a 3:30 appointment. Thank goodness for my dad who is retired and can watch the kids while Jeff takes me to the appointment!!!

I requested my doc to run a hormonal panel to see where my hormone levels are at. She refused telling me that I'm either in menopause or not in menopause. I'm just trying to find out why I'm having the migraines to begin with. I'm thinking it's hormonal but how the heck am I supposed to tell without some help from her????

The next time I have a migraine I'm thinking of contacting my obgyn to see what she thinks.

Gotta go to rest my head

Migraine Day 4

I'm miserable...really miserable. I have had a migraine for the better part of 4 days now which started Friday. It's cyclical. I was hoping that it was just a fluke.

I don't know how many more days of this I can take. My migraine med works but it knocks me out so I can't take it during the day until Jeff comes home after work.

I'm trying to search for answers online but my head hurts so much that it is difficult to read the screen.

I'll be in lurk mode until this goes away...I'm hurting too much

Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009!!

2008 sums up with one word loss:

I lost alot with surgery but hopefully (hands in prayer here on my knees) this will be it. I'm still recuperating from it--emotionally and physically. I have my good days and bad days...my good moments and my bad moments.

I lost people that I thought were my friends. Friends who adopted as well. I was dropped like holey pair of shoes. No word, no explanation.

I lost my old 1994 Corolla. She did us well and is just a baby yet with just over 104,000 miles on it.

And don't even mention 401K...mine took a big beating.

However I gained so much as well:

I can drive more than 15 minutes without pain. Half an hour is pushing it at the moment but it can be done.

I gained some friends as well...they are not local to me at all but still within the adoption community and can sympathize what I'm going through.

I gained a 2007 Toyota Sienna LE. I haven't yet been able to get the monster into the garage but I'll learn one of these days (I better since Toyotas last so long).

I gained a big reduction in my pain levels with my endo. Thank you Dr. Albee and Dr. Yeung, Dr. Sinervo, Muriel, Heather, and the rest of the staff that we dealt with at the CEC. You made me feel like I was the only patient in the world that you were dealing with at that point in time and made me feel at ease. THANK YOU!!!!

Out with 2008 and in with 2009!!

We are just hoping for one where Jeff can use his vacation for vacation and not to take care of me after surgery. We hope that we can do some work on our home this year. I'm hoping to be able to drive as far as my Sienna's gas tank can take me.

I'm hoping for a healthy happy New Year for my family and for yours.

Song that I heard on TCM recently

I was watching TCM this month and this hauntingly beautiful song came on. I thought about everything that has happened with me this year:

The loss of me being able to see Dr. Martin Robbins in Maine due to him losing his colo-rectal surgeon

Me deciding that Dr. Albee was definitely "The Surgeon" to go see

My good faith to see my insurance company's "Top Surgeon" who turned out to be a major joke since I "don't have endo" and that "all of the records that he received from me were worthless and irrelevant"

My decision that I would continue to have surgery done by Dr. Albee

Me learning that I lost my uterus sometime in the evening/early morning hours from Jeff along with my cervix and part of my vagina

And me crying over the loss of it all shortly after surgery

And right before Christmas, the flood of the emotions that I had when we were trying to conceive back during Christmas Eve/Day of 2001

In the midst of this sorrow, I heard this song on TCM. For some reason, it's striking a chord with me right now.

I Made it Through

I'm proud of myself. I've made it through Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I am thankful for several of my friends who I talked to over the phone. I needed that small pick me up.

We went to Mass Christmas Eve and I broke down and cried during part of it. I almost walked out of Church until I could compose myself again and rejoin the mass. I don't even know what exactly set me off...was it something that was said? Was it something that I was thinking about at the time?? Only God knows.

After the kids went to bed Christmas Eve, I went through the motions of putting out the milk and cookies for Santa and the carrot for the reindeer, hanging Baby Jesus on the Christmas tree and putting him in the manger underneath it, putting the presents under the tree, and more. I pushed myself to get it done.

Then when I had nothing else to do, I couldn't fall asleep. 1 am and I couldn't fall asleep...

Christmas Day I had my family here after the kids opened up their Christmas presents from Santa and from Jeff and I. I wanted to crawl into my room and spend the day in there crying at times.

Somehow I made it through...

People told me to have a hyst. People told me that I would feel no different after having one (or feeling so much better) and those people told me a pack of lies.

I don't feel normal.

I don't feel sexy.

I don't feel like a woman.

I don't feel like sex is the same (except for the lack of pain) but I have no drive for it.

I don't feel like some people understand me.

I do feel like crying.

I do feel like screaming.

I do feel like wondering when in the world a cure for endometriosis and adenomyosis will happen (besides having a hyst, multiple surgeries, and various types of prescription drugs).

I do feel like some people don't understand what I'm going through. I do feel like those people may never understand.

But I'm proud of myself for surviving Christmas. Hopefully next year's Christmas will be better for me emotionally. I'm keeping my fingers crossed here and praying.