Infertility...Does One Ever Get "OVER" it??? NO!!!

Those of you who had children may not understand what I'm going through...hell some days I don't even understand what I'm going through. I tried actively for almost 18 months to get pregnant and couldn't. Jeff and I inactively tried for about 3 years and couldn't get pregnant. IVF was out due to a whole host of issues I had problems with it...cost of the procedure not covered by insurance, the God-like factor particularly of my Reproductive Endocrinologist who thinks that he is God, the factor of selectively weeding out "non viable candidates for implanting back into (my) body", and the drugs involved of doing IVF.

Events come up in a woman's life who has dealt with infertility that make them reflect on past events. The "What If" questions appear...What if I did this differently? What if I decided to do IVF? What if I decided to see the endo excision specialist sooner? What if, what if, what if...all questions that I don't have the answers to but as a woman with endo who has gone through this, all valid questions.

My reflections today are due to a dream that I had last night. I don't remember much of the dream however a woman was nearly 9 months pregnant delivering a baby and I was there to help her. Somehow I know this woman. I don't want to be there but I am there delivering a baby. I am crying in the dream...tears are rolling down my face. I don't want to be there, I want to run far away from that room but I'm stuck there helping out this woman.

I don't know what happens next since I'm awake dealing with a hot flash...life has a way of playing some cruel jokes sometimes. I have difficulty in getting back to sleep. I am awake for what seems like an eternity...what's the meaning of this dream? what purpose does it serve? Why am I having this dream now?? Is it because of the hyst?? Finally I drift back asleep while praying that I don't have the same dream, praying that I can stay asleep.

According to RESOLVE 5 million Americans suffer from infertility. I was one of them...and today I feel like one of them with the grieving that I've been doing over the loss of my uterus.

A Wonderful Support Organization for Endometriosis

Hi,

I wanted to tell you about a wonderful group of women who have been there for me through it all. They were there after my first surgery for endometriosis. They were there when I was trying to conceive and keeping it secret from our friends and family (sorry folks). They were there when we decided to adopt and supported me when we found out about our son. They were there when we found out about our daughters as well.

They have been there for me over the 8 years of being diagnosed with this disease answering all of my questions. They were there to answer my questions right before my last surgery and are there to answer my questions afterwards. I don't know where I'd be without this wonderful organization who have helped me out in so many ways over the years.

If you suffer from endometriosis or have loved ones that suffer from endometriosis (be it your daughter, your cousin, your mother, your sister, your best friend, your girlfriend or your wife), you owe it to yourself to check out The Endometriosis Research Center. Educate yourself and support this great organization.

Pain and Tears

I've got belly button pain still. There is a lump under the skin that is a tiny bit tender to the touch but due to the amount of work that Dr. Albee did, I'm not surprised at all. I did have alot of work done on July 21st.

God, has it only been that long???? It seems like an eternity ago right now...an eternity. Did I really have a 7 hour surgery??? Wow!!!!! Ask me on the days (or moments) when I'm feeling blue and I'll tell you that it was just yesterday that I had my uterus taken out of my body.

I still haven't read the operative report yet...that will take some time. I still cry over the loss of my organs. I mourn the loss of the children I couldn't conceive and carry within my own womb.

My current children are not and should not be used fill the void that I experienced by infertility because of having endo and adeno. I don't cry in front of them regarding the loss of my organs or anything else for that matter. It's an adult problem and an adult is handling it. I would never place my adult problems on my children and expect them to fill the role of the adult.

I know that the pain (both physical and emotional) will hopefully subside in time. All I need from you, my readers, right now is the understanding, the friendship, and support as I go through this.

Mack Truck has left but the Baby Elephant remains

I couldn't find the adult benadryl last night so I took the kids' liquid one...blech!!!! It was not sweet at all and that MUST be due to the two red dyes that they have in it!!!!! It was absolutely nasty!!! That alone is the reason why I'm half considering checking into having a compounding pharmacist doing up a batch for us (see if they would without the dyes and high fructose corn syrup and what the cost might be).

I'm still sick here today along with the kids who I practically had to sit on to get them to rest. I don't feel like the Mack truck is repeatedly running me over HOWEVER I do feel like there is a baby elephant at times sitting on my chest.

I did manage to do some laundry folding today which was already upstairs on our first level of our home, an accomplishment of itself since I had a good size pile to fold and put into the basket so that Jeff could take them upstairs to the 2nd floor when he got home tonight.

I didn't get to nap this afternoon due to the kids' nap times but that's alright since I'm okay today. Hopefully the kids will behave themselves tomorrow and rest up. I need the baby elephant to get off of my chest and go back home. Can you find it's Mommy for me please????

Sick...

I'm officially sick and have been since Sunday. I feel like a mack truck ran me over. My head is in a fog, my throat is so sore, and I have the chills. All I want to do is lay in bed with my pillows and blankets and sleep for hours.

The kids are sick too...runny noses abound in this household right now. However, I haven't been able to convince them yet that they shouldn't be running around. Hopefully this afternoon, they'll nap and then I can as well.

For those of you who have my phone number, it's going to be hit or miss if I pick up the phone if you do call. It'll depend on my throat.

Well I gotta go since my chills are increasing and I need to grab another blanket for the couch in our family room where I am.

Can I scream yet????

I'm in alot of pain at the moment. Jeff, who should be in bed due to an early haircut appointment, is up with me watching one of the Mr. Bean movies. The pain med isn't taking the edge off of the pain. I just want to cry but it'll hurt even more. I also want to scream but that will hurt too. I'm wondering if it will always be like this...please pray that it won't.

We are supposed to go to the park tomorrow since I arranged for the the kids to have a playdate through the local SAHMs group. I was planning to just sit in a chair and talk to the moms while Jeff played with the kids. We were planning on doing a picnic lunch as well there. If I can't make it, I'm going to feel like I've let everyone down again.

I'm just hoping that I can sleep and stay asleep throughout the night tonight. Right now I need to get the pain under control for that to even happen.

I'm still here...

I know that it has been awhile but I'm still here. It's been difficult at times just thinking and dealing with the issues that I have. The hot flashes, the night sweats, the emotional roller coaster ride I have been on...I'm not used to this. I never took lupron, zoladex, or synarel...nor will I ever.

I am hoping that it was worth it...that removing my uterus, cervix, left ovary, part of my vagina and half of my right ovary was worth it. I hope that I won't have any more pain. However I seem to have pain, sometimes it feels like many sewing needles on my left hand side like tonight...sometimes it feels just like a nagging ache that won't give up. I hope that it is just healing pain. Please pray that it is just healing pain.

Ouch the needles are here again. I need to go.