Infertility...Does One Ever Get "OVER" it??? NO!!!

Those of you who had children may not understand what I'm going through...hell some days I don't even understand what I'm going through. I tried actively for almost 18 months to get pregnant and couldn't. Jeff and I inactively tried for about 3 years and couldn't get pregnant. IVF was out due to a whole host of issues I had problems with it...cost of the procedure not covered by insurance, the God-like factor particularly of my Reproductive Endocrinologist who thinks that he is God, the factor of selectively weeding out "non viable candidates for implanting back into (my) body", and the drugs involved of doing IVF.

Events come up in a woman's life who has dealt with infertility that make them reflect on past events. The "What If" questions appear...What if I did this differently? What if I decided to do IVF? What if I decided to see the endo excision specialist sooner? What if, what if, what if...all questions that I don't have the answers to but as a woman with endo who has gone through this, all valid questions.

My reflections today are due to a dream that I had last night. I don't remember much of the dream however a woman was nearly 9 months pregnant delivering a baby and I was there to help her. Somehow I know this woman. I don't want to be there but I am there delivering a baby. I am crying in the dream...tears are rolling down my face. I don't want to be there, I want to run far away from that room but I'm stuck there helping out this woman.

I don't know what happens next since I'm awake dealing with a hot flash...life has a way of playing some cruel jokes sometimes. I have difficulty in getting back to sleep. I am awake for what seems like an eternity...what's the meaning of this dream? what purpose does it serve? Why am I having this dream now?? Is it because of the hyst?? Finally I drift back asleep while praying that I don't have the same dream, praying that I can stay asleep.

According to RESOLVE 5 million Americans suffer from infertility. I was one of them...and today I feel like one of them with the grieving that I've been doing over the loss of my uterus.