Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009!!

2008 sums up with one word loss:

I lost alot with surgery but hopefully (hands in prayer here on my knees) this will be it. I'm still recuperating from it--emotionally and physically. I have my good days and bad days...my good moments and my bad moments.

I lost people that I thought were my friends. Friends who adopted as well. I was dropped like holey pair of shoes. No word, no explanation.

I lost my old 1994 Corolla. She did us well and is just a baby yet with just over 104,000 miles on it.

And don't even mention 401K...mine took a big beating.

However I gained so much as well:

I can drive more than 15 minutes without pain. Half an hour is pushing it at the moment but it can be done.

I gained some friends as well...they are not local to me at all but still within the adoption community and can sympathize what I'm going through.

I gained a 2007 Toyota Sienna LE. I haven't yet been able to get the monster into the garage but I'll learn one of these days (I better since Toyotas last so long).

I gained a big reduction in my pain levels with my endo. Thank you Dr. Albee and Dr. Yeung, Dr. Sinervo, Muriel, Heather, and the rest of the staff that we dealt with at the CEC. You made me feel like I was the only patient in the world that you were dealing with at that point in time and made me feel at ease. THANK YOU!!!!

Out with 2008 and in with 2009!!

We are just hoping for one where Jeff can use his vacation for vacation and not to take care of me after surgery. We hope that we can do some work on our home this year. I'm hoping to be able to drive as far as my Sienna's gas tank can take me.

I'm hoping for a healthy happy New Year for my family and for yours.

Song that I heard on TCM recently

I was watching TCM this month and this hauntingly beautiful song came on. I thought about everything that has happened with me this year:

The loss of me being able to see Dr. Martin Robbins in Maine due to him losing his colo-rectal surgeon

Me deciding that Dr. Albee was definitely "The Surgeon" to go see

My good faith to see my insurance company's "Top Surgeon" who turned out to be a major joke since I "don't have endo" and that "all of the records that he received from me were worthless and irrelevant"

My decision that I would continue to have surgery done by Dr. Albee

Me learning that I lost my uterus sometime in the evening/early morning hours from Jeff along with my cervix and part of my vagina

And me crying over the loss of it all shortly after surgery

And right before Christmas, the flood of the emotions that I had when we were trying to conceive back during Christmas Eve/Day of 2001

In the midst of this sorrow, I heard this song on TCM. For some reason, it's striking a chord with me right now.

I Made it Through

I'm proud of myself. I've made it through Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I am thankful for several of my friends who I talked to over the phone. I needed that small pick me up.

We went to Mass Christmas Eve and I broke down and cried during part of it. I almost walked out of Church until I could compose myself again and rejoin the mass. I don't even know what exactly set me off...was it something that was said? Was it something that I was thinking about at the time?? Only God knows.

After the kids went to bed Christmas Eve, I went through the motions of putting out the milk and cookies for Santa and the carrot for the reindeer, hanging Baby Jesus on the Christmas tree and putting him in the manger underneath it, putting the presents under the tree, and more. I pushed myself to get it done.

Then when I had nothing else to do, I couldn't fall asleep. 1 am and I couldn't fall asleep...

Christmas Day I had my family here after the kids opened up their Christmas presents from Santa and from Jeff and I. I wanted to crawl into my room and spend the day in there crying at times.

Somehow I made it through...

People told me to have a hyst. People told me that I would feel no different after having one (or feeling so much better) and those people told me a pack of lies.

I don't feel normal.

I don't feel sexy.

I don't feel like a woman.

I don't feel like sex is the same (except for the lack of pain) but I have no drive for it.

I don't feel like some people understand me.

I do feel like crying.

I do feel like screaming.

I do feel like wondering when in the world a cure for endometriosis and adenomyosis will happen (besides having a hyst, multiple surgeries, and various types of prescription drugs).

I do feel like some people don't understand what I'm going through. I do feel like those people may never understand.

But I'm proud of myself for surviving Christmas. Hopefully next year's Christmas will be better for me emotionally. I'm keeping my fingers crossed here and praying.

Christmas is Here...My Heart Isn't in It

I wish that I was better emotionally right now. Feelings of 2001 have been flooding back with intensity and I'm wishing that I could crawl into a hole until the holidays are done and over with. You see I was peak in my fertility level Christmas Eve and Christmas Day 2001 when we were trying to conceive. I hoped and prayed that I would become pregnant...I never did. I never did experience that positive pregnancy result or experienced a baby inside of me. I am grateful (searching for the right term to use here and feel like I am failing miserably) that I didn't experience a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy or a stillborn. I had several friends that experienced the first two things and I cried after getting off the phone with them after listening to them cry and me trying to remain calm and supportive long distance.

I am eternally grateful for what I do have: my loving husband who has stuck by me and has put up with my emotional rollercoaster ride back when we were trying to conceive, losing my friends, and dealing with me emotionally since my surgery, my kids who are my joy and my light, my family who helped after my surgery and watching my kids while I'm off at my various doctor's appointments, and my friends who have called and sent me emails and cards checking up on me and have listened to me cry on the phone.

This year I didn't do Christmas cards (the first ever) but did do a newsletter and sent the Christmas photo with Santa for the adults...for the kids they got their Christmas cards. I think I've sent off about 170 cards this year.

While I'm grateful that I'm alive, since so many things could have gone wrong during the surgery, and that the surgery has lessened the pain, the hysterectomy has made me feel slightly less than a woman and less than sexy. I'm grateful to Dr. Albee and Dr. Yeung for removing all of the endo that they could from my body. I'm grateful that my research led me to have surgery with the doctors at the CEC.

I hope that emotionally I start feeling better soon...that I'm back to myself again. I have my good days and I have my emotional moments. For Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I'm setting aside some me time to mourn. I need to.

For those of you reading this, please read and sign the petition to Stamp Out Endometriosis. It means the world to me right now.

Ultrasound Results

I got the ultrasound results back...normal. Of course I knew that already since endo won't show on an ultrasound. I do have a small simple cyst on my remaining ovary...nothing to be worried about according to my doctor.

Ultrasound Today

I just got back from my ultrasound. The u/s tech had trouble finding my remaining ovary. When she did find it, she mentioned that there was a small cyst there. I should hear about the results in a few days from my doctor. I was hurting so much from the ultrasound that I was crying in Jeff's car in the parking lot. I'm resting tonight...I need to.

Christmas is nearly here and I'm emotional again...

I'm trying to work on Christmas cards here...this year is just a letter with picture of the family with Santa (our annual thing to do since 2005). Christmas music is on but I'm finding things hard given the loss that I've had this year. Back in 2001 on Christmas Eve and Day, I was peak in my fertility level. 7 years later to the Holiday season 2008, I've lost my uterus and I'm mourning its loss.

I'm eternally grateful for what I have playing around me (although tripping over toys isn't fun). I never expected to be traveling to a foreign country besides Canada and adopt 3 beautiful kids. But still the hurt is there. I want to cry and mourn the loss but that will have to wait until later after my kids are tucked into their snug little beds for the night.

I read from somebody else on a message board that if you are depressed before a hyst, you will be depressed afterwards. I never wanted to give up my uterus but I felt like there was little choice given the adenomyosis. I feel pretty defeated with this disease. I don't wish these diseases on anyone.

Please if you read this and haven't read and signed the petition to Stamp Out Endometriosis yet, please do so. You know that this woman has suffered from it.