I Made it Through

I'm proud of myself. I've made it through Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I am thankful for several of my friends who I talked to over the phone. I needed that small pick me up.

We went to Mass Christmas Eve and I broke down and cried during part of it. I almost walked out of Church until I could compose myself again and rejoin the mass. I don't even know what exactly set me off...was it something that was said? Was it something that I was thinking about at the time?? Only God knows.

After the kids went to bed Christmas Eve, I went through the motions of putting out the milk and cookies for Santa and the carrot for the reindeer, hanging Baby Jesus on the Christmas tree and putting him in the manger underneath it, putting the presents under the tree, and more. I pushed myself to get it done.

Then when I had nothing else to do, I couldn't fall asleep. 1 am and I couldn't fall asleep...

Christmas Day I had my family here after the kids opened up their Christmas presents from Santa and from Jeff and I. I wanted to crawl into my room and spend the day in there crying at times.

Somehow I made it through...

People told me to have a hyst. People told me that I would feel no different after having one (or feeling so much better) and those people told me a pack of lies.

I don't feel normal.

I don't feel sexy.

I don't feel like a woman.

I don't feel like sex is the same (except for the lack of pain) but I have no drive for it.

I don't feel like some people understand me.

I do feel like crying.

I do feel like screaming.

I do feel like wondering when in the world a cure for endometriosis and adenomyosis will happen (besides having a hyst, multiple surgeries, and various types of prescription drugs).

I do feel like some people don't understand what I'm going through. I do feel like those people may never understand.

But I'm proud of myself for surviving Christmas. Hopefully next year's Christmas will be better for me emotionally. I'm keeping my fingers crossed here and praying.