A B C

[*] A is for age: 21+ (I'm not telling since you should never ask a woman her age)

[*] B is for beer of choice: ewww gross!!!!!!

[*] C is for career right now: Stay at home mom, teacher educating others on endometriosis, endometriosis patient, endometriosis supporter (of ERC and of others who suffer from the disease)

[*] D is for your dogs name: Maggie

[*] E is for essential item you use everyday: my stove

[*] F is for favorite TV show: Heroes

[*] G is for favorite game to watch: my college basketball (GO SAINTS!!!!!)

[*] H is for Home town: Glenville, New York

[*] I is for instruments you play: my voice (love to sing), used to play piano, flute and piccolo

[*] J is for favorite juice: Orange and Apple

[*] K is for whose butt you'd like to be kicking right now: I can't mention it here but it's a sorry to say the least

[*] L is for last place you ate: Home

[*] M is for marriage: Happily married now 14 years

[*] N is for your name: Jen

[*] O is for overnight hospital stay: Yes twice for myself for the last two of my surgeries (23 hour stay), one 3 night stay for my oldest daughter

[*] P is for people you were with today: my family

[*] Q is for quote: Ask me about endometriosis and I would be happy to tell you if you have a moment or several thousand

[*] R is for Biggest Regret: not seeing an endo specialist sooner

[*] S is for relationship status: Happily Married

[*] T is for time you woke up today: 7:30

[*] U is for underwear you have on now: umm isn't that a little private????

[*] V is for vegetable you love: fresh sugar snap peas

[*] W is for worst habits: trying to be a perfectionist

[*] X is for x-rays you've had: chest (once due to severe chest pain that woke me from a deep sleep that put me into the ER, and several times last year due to pneumonia)

[*] Y is for something yummy you ate today: homemade french onion soup with homemade bread

[*] Z is for zodiac sign: Aries

7 Years Ago Today and Tomorrow...

Both images from CandleAndRibbon.org
7 years ago we were trying to conceive (this was our Plan B). My Plan A when I found out that I had endo was to adopt. When September 11th, 2001 hit, I wondered why I was trying to bring a child into a crazy messed up world. Should I just stop and not try to conceive? Should I just give up my dream to become a Mom??

I remember the day well. I went outside with our dog, Maggie. I met up with our next door neighbor at the time named Claire and was chatting with her and her youngest daughter, Abby. It was a beautiful fall morning a little crisp but not too cold. After talking with her for a bit, I headed back into my home.

I got a phone call from Jeff at work just after 9.

Jeff: Have you had the TV on yet??
Me: No why?
Jeff: Turn on the TV
Me: I turned the TV on which just happened to be tuned to NBC so the Today Show was on. (after awhile that seemed like an eternity) OH MY GOD!!!!
Jeff: Yeah I just wanted you to know.
Me: (after hearing that buildings even up in our neck of the woods might be targets) Come home please...you can't be getting anything done there??
Jeff: Can't yet but you're right
Me: Leave the building...I don't want you there. Please just come home (deperation at this point).
Jeff: Gotta go for now, just wanted to let you know. I love you.
Me: I love you too. Please come home soon.

I then called up my next door neighbor. I mention this to Claire so that in case she were to turn on the TV, Abby wouldn't see the stuff. She was in shock just like I was. She then let me go to tend to Abby.

I then went back to watching TV for awhile. I was glued to the TV set. Jeff and I had several phone calls between us. After awhile, Jeff called me back one last time.

Jeff: We're going home. They are evacuating our building.
Me: (shaking) I'm glad to hear that you're coming home. I'll see you here and drive slowly and carefully please.
Jeff: No problem. I love you.
Me: I love you too, Jeff.

It seemed like an eternity before he came home. I knew how long normally it took him to get here from his work but for some reason time was passing so slowly. Things seemed to be standing still or moving in slow motion. I kept telling myself that it was the traffic on the highway...it must be the traffic.

When I heard the garage door go up, I completely lost it. I gave him a huge hug when he got inside our home.

I kept thinking about all those people in the World Trade Center complex and the Pentagon and the people riding in the downed airplane in Pennsylvania. Why would I want to bring a child into the world with this going on?? With people killing innocent people?? How does one explain this to a child?? My head was pounding from crying and thinking about all of the day's events.

Then to see the family members searching for their loved ones with those posters of them...I lost it again. I prayed that I knew nobody in this. My college lost a bunch of its alumni including one friar...Father Mychal Judge.

I called up a friend of mine to check on her since she lives and works in the DC area for the government. She was okay and relayed the story of her events that day. Her roommate was by the Smithsonian Museums on the Mall and felt the ground shake and heard a weird sound. She thought they were having an earthquake at first!! She said that everyone that she knew was safe and sound. I was relieved to hear this.

I was up until about 3 am since I just couldn't sleep. I was wired to the TV set and too emotional to sleep until I was dead tired. Finally I crashed.

The next morning there was a call put out in our area (being that we are in upstate NY) to help our downstate neighbors. So Jeff went to donate blood on September 12th, 2001. He stood in line at the American Red Cross blood donation station in a strip mall near his work. The line was very long. He got there at 8 and stood in line all day. People came by with homemade sandwiches, cookies and more for the people standing in line. Home Depot from across the street donated gas grills and the local grocery store donated food to grill up for dinner for the people.

If you needed to use a bathroom, you just had somebody else save your spot in line and used one of the bathrooms located in a store at the strip mall. There was one business that was booed because they wouldn't allow any "non-customers" use the restrooms.

Jeff mentioned that there was an eerie feeling about all of this but there was a big huge sense of community involvement. It didn't matter what work you did, what color your skin was, whether you were upper, middle or lower class, you helped out. I couldn't donate blood due to me being underweight.

I was in shock with this senseless tragedy for weeks. I didn't want to celebrate our anniversary which is less than a week later...somehow it just seemed wrong to be happy when others are suffering so much loss. My endo friends convinced me to go out to dinner (which was what Jeff and I planned). We went to a restaurant near the airport and hearing the planes go overhead after they had been grounded for so long was weird. I heard a car backfire and jumped. I can't imagine those people living and working in NYC's reaction to things or the people working in government buildings in and around DC.

Today as you go about your day, think about the losses that others have had from this day and how much pain and sadness they are going through. For those of you with kids, hug them a little bit tighter today. Tell all of your family and friends that you love them.

I imagine that this is what people in Hawai'i went through with Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941. The confusion and shock immediately following the tragedy and the loss of the life and ships might always be in their thoughts for years to come.

I will always remember. I will never forget.

Timeline of events on September 11th, 2001


September 11th Victims List

Infertility...Does One Ever Get "OVER" it??? NO!!!

Those of you who had children may not understand what I'm going through...hell some days I don't even understand what I'm going through. I tried actively for almost 18 months to get pregnant and couldn't. Jeff and I inactively tried for about 3 years and couldn't get pregnant. IVF was out due to a whole host of issues I had problems with it...cost of the procedure not covered by insurance, the God-like factor particularly of my Reproductive Endocrinologist who thinks that he is God, the factor of selectively weeding out "non viable candidates for implanting back into (my) body", and the drugs involved of doing IVF.

Events come up in a woman's life who has dealt with infertility that make them reflect on past events. The "What If" questions appear...What if I did this differently? What if I decided to do IVF? What if I decided to see the endo excision specialist sooner? What if, what if, what if...all questions that I don't have the answers to but as a woman with endo who has gone through this, all valid questions.

My reflections today are due to a dream that I had last night. I don't remember much of the dream however a woman was nearly 9 months pregnant delivering a baby and I was there to help her. Somehow I know this woman. I don't want to be there but I am there delivering a baby. I am crying in the dream...tears are rolling down my face. I don't want to be there, I want to run far away from that room but I'm stuck there helping out this woman.

I don't know what happens next since I'm awake dealing with a hot flash...life has a way of playing some cruel jokes sometimes. I have difficulty in getting back to sleep. I am awake for what seems like an eternity...what's the meaning of this dream? what purpose does it serve? Why am I having this dream now?? Is it because of the hyst?? Finally I drift back asleep while praying that I don't have the same dream, praying that I can stay asleep.

According to RESOLVE 5 million Americans suffer from infertility. I was one of them...and today I feel like one of them with the grieving that I've been doing over the loss of my uterus.

A Wonderful Support Organization for Endometriosis

Hi,

I wanted to tell you about a wonderful group of women who have been there for me through it all. They were there after my first surgery for endometriosis. They were there when I was trying to conceive and keeping it secret from our friends and family (sorry folks). They were there when we decided to adopt and supported me when we found out about our son. They were there when we found out about our daughters as well.

They have been there for me over the 8 years of being diagnosed with this disease answering all of my questions. They were there to answer my questions right before my last surgery and are there to answer my questions afterwards. I don't know where I'd be without this wonderful organization who have helped me out in so many ways over the years.

If you suffer from endometriosis or have loved ones that suffer from endometriosis (be it your daughter, your cousin, your mother, your sister, your best friend, your girlfriend or your wife), you owe it to yourself to check out The Endometriosis Research Center. Educate yourself and support this great organization.

Pain and Tears

I've got belly button pain still. There is a lump under the skin that is a tiny bit tender to the touch but due to the amount of work that Dr. Albee did, I'm not surprised at all. I did have alot of work done on July 21st.

God, has it only been that long???? It seems like an eternity ago right now...an eternity. Did I really have a 7 hour surgery??? Wow!!!!! Ask me on the days (or moments) when I'm feeling blue and I'll tell you that it was just yesterday that I had my uterus taken out of my body.

I still haven't read the operative report yet...that will take some time. I still cry over the loss of my organs. I mourn the loss of the children I couldn't conceive and carry within my own womb.

My current children are not and should not be used fill the void that I experienced by infertility because of having endo and adeno. I don't cry in front of them regarding the loss of my organs or anything else for that matter. It's an adult problem and an adult is handling it. I would never place my adult problems on my children and expect them to fill the role of the adult.

I know that the pain (both physical and emotional) will hopefully subside in time. All I need from you, my readers, right now is the understanding, the friendship, and support as I go through this.

Mack Truck has left but the Baby Elephant remains

I couldn't find the adult benadryl last night so I took the kids' liquid one...blech!!!! It was not sweet at all and that MUST be due to the two red dyes that they have in it!!!!! It was absolutely nasty!!! That alone is the reason why I'm half considering checking into having a compounding pharmacist doing up a batch for us (see if they would without the dyes and high fructose corn syrup and what the cost might be).

I'm still sick here today along with the kids who I practically had to sit on to get them to rest. I don't feel like the Mack truck is repeatedly running me over HOWEVER I do feel like there is a baby elephant at times sitting on my chest.

I did manage to do some laundry folding today which was already upstairs on our first level of our home, an accomplishment of itself since I had a good size pile to fold and put into the basket so that Jeff could take them upstairs to the 2nd floor when he got home tonight.

I didn't get to nap this afternoon due to the kids' nap times but that's alright since I'm okay today. Hopefully the kids will behave themselves tomorrow and rest up. I need the baby elephant to get off of my chest and go back home. Can you find it's Mommy for me please????

Sick...

I'm officially sick and have been since Sunday. I feel like a mack truck ran me over. My head is in a fog, my throat is so sore, and I have the chills. All I want to do is lay in bed with my pillows and blankets and sleep for hours.

The kids are sick too...runny noses abound in this household right now. However, I haven't been able to convince them yet that they shouldn't be running around. Hopefully this afternoon, they'll nap and then I can as well.

For those of you who have my phone number, it's going to be hit or miss if I pick up the phone if you do call. It'll depend on my throat.

Well I gotta go since my chills are increasing and I need to grab another blanket for the couch in our family room where I am.